It’s that moment, that one moment that makes life worth all the tragic moments a person has no choice to go through actually worth it. That single aspect of life that causes a shift in your beliefs, when at one time you lose control, and have this thought of giving up, because the world would have been so much better if you didn’t exist. However, then, then there just happens to be those few snags in life that make it, not so worth it, but that’s okay! It’s just one of those days that everyone knows has to go through.
Life, no one likes that topic, because it’s such a drag, and it only contains the information that we all know too well, or we think we know it all too well, because we are supposedly living it every day, kind of not the picture, but what do we really know?
Identity, the purpose of our growth, to find out who we are, but as we grow older and older, and older we have thoughts on did we ever really establish our identity? What is an identity? Can a name on a driver’s license, perhaps a library card, a social security number, a code actually count? Is that all there is to ourselves, a piece of paper holding our name and a few digits, establishing our identity and who we are. I actually hope not.
It brings me back to, well, life in general. That dreaded topic, because life is life, and we all know how extremely boring life can be, but there are times where it’s fun. Occasionally, when out of nowhere something happens, a moment that surprises you to the extent where it makes life worth living. However, the tricky thing about life is, that’s it’s kind of a double agent. When the thrill soon comes crashing down, we come to the times where life is not fun, and we try everything in our power to try, and end our lives because we are miserable and we have thoughts on, I just don’t to live anymore, because it’s too hard!
Well, I’ll give you piece of advice my older brother gave me when I had to go through a rough time. He said, “Shit happens! Get off your butt, get to walking forward. There’s no room for weakness in the world. So get up, and walk it off.”
Kind of harsh right, but it’s the truth…what about the confusing parts in life then, the part that makes it, almost unbearable and impossible to get up and just walk it off?
Ladies and Gents I’m talking about the dreaded three worded sentence! “I love you” At first there’s confusion because well the wheels start spinning and inwardly both of you are thinking, what if the other doesn’t feel the same? Or what if I ruin what we have by running my big mouth? Or, who’s going to say it first? Will it ever be spoken! Truthfully, I know a couple that have dated for four years, never said the words, but they say actions tell all. Well yeah actions say more than words, but sometimes just hearing the words, gives a person that bubbly feeling inside that makes them feel special. Guys, don’t deny it, I know you get that feeling when a loved one says it to you, want to know why? Because, when a girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse says those words, I LOVE you, it brings all meaning, that you thought you once lost back into your life. Scary, but it’s the best feeling.
Remember what I said about life being a double agent? Where with a tiny flip of a coin it can change? Let’s see that point of view, because we all been through it once, twice, thrice, hundreds of times.
For awhile your happy, for a while you are living, truly living, and you think, what can possibly go wrong? Only to find out that, yes, everything can go wrong, and it will go wrong. So, then this guard comes up, a somewhat icy wall that seems impenetrable to break acts as a shield. However, later on you find that it’s really not that hard to break that wall down, because beyond that wall lies the fragile heart that doesn’t want to break anymore, but it breaks anyway.
I’ll be the first to say that I been in that position before, formed a wall around my heart that I thought was flawless…until life through another wrench at me, hit me in the head so hard I thought I received a concussion. Funny thing about life is that you can have this wall around yourself, one where no one can see the other side, or keeps others at bay. But, something always happens, and I do mean always, that causes something inside to crumble and fall as if the world itself fell out of the galaxy.
“I’m sorry…” The two dreaded, horrible words no one likes to hear! Why? Because I’m sorry always had bad news following after, it’s just that the words, I’m sorry, tries to cushion the blow by apologizing. Those words, I mean come on admit it, they never cushion anything. If anything, they harden the blow more. Sometimes though, I’m sorry, really can be acceptable, but other times those words break people.
“He’s/she’s gone.” Whoa! Hold on, back up! What brought that on? Well, I heard those words, and I’m pretty sure several of you out there have as well. But, what kind of thoughts run through your mind when you hear those words? Because, to me, it’s the moment where you felt your entire world shatter before feet just by those few words. Those simple, yet disastrous words that you never wanted to hear, because you knew that they would destroy the essence of your being. Those tears that would fall, they never really do justice because the pain runs far deeper than what the tears show. It’s that moment when you think that no one understands this pain.
We all have been through that! Shoot I have the jacket and membership to prove it. So, what’s next in store, what else could possibly be thrown our way to make life even harder? Oh, I think we all know.
“You’ll be fine…it just…let time run its course. You’ll see, before you know it you’ll be smiling again. He’s/she’s in a better place, so don’t cry.” Those dreaded unwelcome words of what was suppose give comfort, comfort that you did not ask for, but they give it to you anyway. So, you smile in response, thank them, and agree just to humor them, but inwardly you’re cringing. Cringing, because they don’t know that those words are breaking you worse than before, and it would have been better if they just never said anything.
Uh-huh, yeah been there too, actually said it once or twice in my life, but when it actually happened, who else inwardly thought, but never actually said, “I appreciated your condolences but please, just go away!” Yeah, that’s me too. So after all of this, I thought, well, hell, nothing could get worse.
“You look like crap.” Spoke to soon, bet that never happened to any of you out there? Ah, so then, along comes the one person you are sure to despise comes out of nowhere and makes you feel worse. Only to see that he (or she) is not smiling, smirking, but he (or she) is frowning, and you think that maybe, just maybe he (or she) said those things because he (she) doesn’t want to lie, not right there and then that is.
It’s when you stare at a face that looks so perfectly perfect, but thought that they are not so perfect to begin with, because perfection doesn’t exist, do you think back on how life used to be. Back, when friendship used to be the circle of everyone’s world, where everyone could trust each other with their lives, and the whole cheater’s never win used to be everyone motto. Only to spin in the other direction, where friendship turned to fiend-ship, trust and comradeship turned to betrayal, fights, and bloodshed amongst the circle of used to be friends. Oh, and cheaters won over every time.
How about family members, back when they were the ones you could always count on to have your back? Only to find, that they’ll only have your back when they get something out of it? So, that’s where that wall I talked about comes back up, especially when you face that person you surely despise. (I know I did!), and with a smart-ass comment, that really can’t be considered a smart-ass comment, because it turns out to the truth. Truth hurts, especially when voiced.
“Yes, well, it’s to be expected that I look like crap now doesn’t it? After all my favorite uncle did just die.” When I said that, a few years ago, a part of me died. Losing a family member, it’s hard, especially when it’s someone who encouraged you all your life, kept moving you forward so you don’t fall off the wrong side. It hurts, but…
Yes, that’s life, sucks I know, I lived it, still living it. Got that stupid jacket, scars, blood, tears, and the membership card to prove it.
So when does the pain end? Where does life come out of that grey pit we find ourselves in back into a world of color? When can we truly be happy, like all the other people out there smiling and laughing as if your broken life doesn’t matter? When can you be like them, because in all your sorrows, they can’t possibly know the torment your feeling, because they are smiling and laughing with hearts in their eyes? Well, no one knows whose happy, whose not, because everyone’s a great actor/actress and no one likes to let others through that wall they have up now do they? So of course, everyone is laughing, having a good time with hearts in their eyes.
So what if I tell you, the person I despised at the time reached into his pocket and hands me this red ribbon, and tells me to wear it every time I feel sad, because red is the color of love, but it’s also the sheer sign of saying I’M BREAKING PLEASE HUG ME EVEN FOR A MOMENT, with a promise attached to that ribbon. A promise saying, that if he couldn’t get to me, then someone else will. Goose bumps right? Of course at the time, I looked at him as if he was a total nut job, but it's probably the sweetest thing he has ever done.
It’s something small like that that can warm even the iciest of all hearts, because that’s when you know that someone really truly cares. I remember that he took the ribbon back, only to tie it in my hair, and softly comment on how brighter it made me look. Only to add...
“Well you still look ugly, but I guess you’re decent” that asshole.
Well, I got my feet back on the ground. Put all my heart breaks, pain, and pathetic feelings of self pity behind me. Grew up, well I thought I was growing up, in this world where life likes to screw everyone over twice as many times. The promise that guy made, he never broke, I’m just letting you know, but there came a day where I broke so bad that I thought I could just die. I wore that ribbon one last time, because he promised he would come, and if he wasn’t able to then someone else would. Well, physically, I got the embraces, but, they weren’t the ones I need nor wanted, because he wasn’t the one giving them to me…but when I stopped crying that day, I took the ribbon out of my hair, placed it on his the casket, and this time made him a promise.
To live my life in the way that would make him proud. It just took, my brothers harsh words, a lot of bumps in the road, a sarcastic comment, one promise, and one red ribbon given with so much love to help me see that though life is painful there’s so much more to life. It’s just that, are you willing to be strong enough to fight through the bad to find it? I am, and I hope you are too.
Just saying, six years later, I'm stronger than ever and getting ready to graduate from College.
